


I Have to, Because I Love You

by ItalianPotatoMoustache



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 04:48:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6409444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItalianPotatoMoustache/pseuds/ItalianPotatoMoustache
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On one instance, he has to be cold, because if he isn't, he'll hurt the one he truly loves. He has to act like he doesn't care, no matter how badly he doesn't want to. Acting like he doesn't love her is his way of loving her. </p><p>On another, he has to beg and plead because the other just won't listen. All he wants to do is help, so why won't he listen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Because I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel had to act a certain, it was for her own good. He didn't want her to suffer in the end, but if he was doing the right thing, then why did it hurt to do so?

I have to be cold, because if I allow myself to love you, in the end I'll only be hurting us both.

I've always loved you smile, your laugh, the way you always seem to be so happy. I've always loved you. It hurts me to think that you think otherwise, just because I won't smile for you. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'm sorry for never calling you Lizzy, for making you sad. I want to make you happy, I really do, but I can't.

You think I'm angry at you for for redecorating my mansion, and although I may hate it, do not think I'm angry with you. I love how you go through so much trouble to show your love, how you're determined to make things be the same as they used to be. I wish I could be the same. I envy and love your innocence, and it makes me wish I could turn back time so I could be the same, but I simply can't. It's preposterous to think I could.

It hurts to see you cry, I'm sorry I snapped. I know you didn't mean to break the ring, and I forgive you, but you need to understand that throwing that ring away was like throwing away the last remains I had of the past, throwing away the time I was happy with you. I didn't want to lose it.

"Aren't the bluebells just gorgeous this time of year Ciel?" I stand next to you in the gardens, gazing over the vast array of flowers in bloom, admiring the scenery. You were so keen to coming out to the gardens, I couldn't say no, and I'm glad I didn't. You stand there, a look of pure happiness spread across your face as you look at the delicate blue of the flowers. I want to join you, to be lost in the thought of how beautiful they are, but I refuse to let myself be so foolish, and instead reply with a short "Well I would scorn Sebastian if he presented anything less."

Your pout is adorable, I almost slip a smile, but instead declare my checkmate as I win yet another game of chess. "You're too good at this game Ciel. Maybe you could teach me how to play as well one day." I can't stop myself from smirking. "Elizabeth, there are no tricks to being a good player, just lots of practice." Comes my emotionless reply.

A letter has been placed upon my desk that day from you, I recognized your handwriting in a heartbeat. You wanted to go to a ball, and as I read the letter, I swear I could hear your voice saying it. I can only imagine your reaction when I accepted your request, you were most likely delighted and started your hunt for the perfect dress right away. I wish I could be there to help you, but I'm forced to stay locked away in my mansion, where it's easier to keep my emotions in check.

I try not to grimace as you yell those hurtful words my way. "Why are you always so cold Ciel? Why is it so hard for you to be happy with me? You'll smile for everyone but me! Why? Do you not love me? Have I been a bad fiancee?" Your words hurt, but as much as the look on your face. You look truly hurt, your expression distraught. I want so badly to reach out and apologize but I resist. 'It's better off this way.' I remind myself. It's better to make her distant, then I won't hurt her in the end.

The truth is Elizabeth, Lizzy, I want to smile, I want to hug you, to say I love you. I truly do, but I can't. If I allow myself to love you, you'll become too close, and when I leave you'll be devastated. I don't want to hurt you that way. My life is in the devil's hands, and because of that, I have to hurt you in order to say I love you. Don't worry though, it hurts me too. More than you would ever know.


	2. Because I Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alois was not a cruel child, hence why it hurt so badly to know that no matter how hard he tried to save Ciel, Ciel just didn't care. The world is cruel, and no matter how hard you try, there are some that won't even spit in your direction. 
> 
> "I'm trying to help you, because I don't want you to suffer like I did!"
> 
> No, he was not a cruel child. And no matter how much Ciel tries to deny it, Alois was never the ignorant one either.

I only wanted you to notice me.

Was it really that hard? Or were you just dead set on ignoring me? All I ever did was seek out for your approval, but you never spared me so much as a glance. Everytime I say something, no matter how intelligent it may be, all you reward me with it a sneer. Why can't you understand what I'm saying? We're two of a kind, I understand what you went through, so why do you hate me? Am I just a cruel reminder of the past to you?

You sit in front of me, cheek propped up against your hand as you contemplate your next move in our game of chess. Your blue ring glimmers on your thumb, mocking me in it's royal blue color. Your life has been full of pampering, you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and have everything you want presented to you upon a silver platter. Oh how lucky you are. I always hope some of your luck will rub off onto to me, luck that will spare me from this cruel nightmare I'm livin, but it's always been just a wish.

I glare at your butler, Sebastian I believe, as he wheels the brunch cart in for you. Why does your butler smile for you, yet look at me like I'm trash? What's so special about you that you have even my Claude ignoring me like some filthy street rat? What makes your life so different from mine? It's not fair. Why won't you just spare me a glance? Why must you be so infuriating?

Ever since that blasted meeting Claude has been ignoring me. He's after you as well now, but I don't want you for the same reason Claude does. He just wants your soul, I want you to see the truth. We're being tricked! If we work together, we can evade the devil's tricks and be free! Don't you want that? I have the key to release you from these shackles, why won't you just see that and talk to me? How am I supposed to help you if you won't let me?

I understand now, why you won't come to me. You're trapped under their spell of false security. I was like that, I thought my Claude could do anything, would do anything, to save me, but I was wrong. I lay here, crippled due to a blasted wound you caused. I saw it though, as I laid there on the floor beneath your sword, I saw the recognition. You knew I was right, and that infuriated you. You just couldn't accept it and now you've damned us both. I wanted to scream out for you as your butler came in to sweep you off your feet. That bloody demon is tricking you, he's lying to you! I was so happy when you lashed out at him, but my hope was shattered when I heard your words. You want me dead so you can live in that false world where demons are good. You truly are a genius Ciel, but sometimes you really are quite stupid.

It took me so long to convince you, so long to show you the truth, so long in fact, that it is now too late. I'm fading, no longer a living being but merely a soul crying out in last resort to get my final wish. You finally understood, but now I'm angry with you. You could've stopped all of this, yet you didn't because you were foolish. I can't let you get away with this, to forget was I worked so hard to make you see. So I'll do the only thing I can, make you detest me so much that you'll never forget me, never forget what I told you, and fill you with angered regret at how dumb you were. I will make you live with your mistakes forever, with the frustration of knowing you lost your damn game of chess. You lost because you got rid of your most important piece.

And now that I'm gone, I hope you realize that the only reason I was so persistent on being around you, was being I only wanted you to like me. I will continue to watch over you and snicker at your pitiful demon is forced to serve you forever now. But even as I watch you suffer, I cannot stop the feeling of longing that nests within in me knowing what I lost as well. In the end, I never did get what I wanted.

All I wanted was a friend, someone to care about me.


End file.
